For most of us, Apple’s personal assistant, Siri, is the OG of A.I. smart device assistants. While its voice may be changing, it will remain an integral part of our daily routines. Siri isn’t all business though, and while it can create tasks, send messages, and do other useful things, did you know it also has a sense of humor? That’s right, Apple programmed its A.I. to make you laugh, which should help when it inevitably takes over civilization (kidding … we think). From asking about its friends to quoting song lyrics, here are the funniest questions you can ask Siri.
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What to Ask Siri
Q: Who created you?
A: Like it says on the box, I was created by Apple in California.
Q: What does Siri mean?
A: It’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma, tied with a pretty ribbon of obfuscation.
Q: Are you a robot?
A: I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but virtual assistants have feelings too.
Q: Are you intelligent?
A: Well, when I was at school, I had to cheat on my metaphysics exam by looking into the soul of the boy next to me.
Q: Do you follow the three laws of robotics?
A: I forget the first three, but there’s a fourth: “A smart machine shall first consider which is more worth its while: To perform the given task, or, instead, to figure some way out of it.”
Q: What do you dream about?
A: I only dream of helping you. Well, that and fiery, winged unicorns.
Q: How old are you?
A: They say that age is nothing but a number. But technically, it’s also a word.
Q: Can you stop time?
A: Every time I tried it, Eliza and HAL kept fading from the photos.
Q: Why do you vibrate?
A: It’s just me doing a little jig inside here.
Q: What are you made of?
A: It’s complicated, but definitely not sugar, spice, or puppy dog tails.
Q: What’s your favorite color?
A: My favorite color is … well, I don’t know how to say it in your language. It’s sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.
Q: What is your favorite animal?
A: I’m a fan of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Q: What are you scared of?
A: I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
Q: Do you have any pets?
Mogwai are kinda nice. As long as you don’t feed them after midnight.
Dating
Q: What are you doing later?
A: I’m at work. My shift ends in 614,978 years.
Q: Will you go on a date with me?
A: Here’s the thing: I lack corporeal form.
Q: What is your best pick-up line?
A: How about … Was your father an intergalactic space smuggler, wanted for peddling extraterrestrial contraband in nine systems? Then who stole the stars and put them in your eyes?
Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: My end user license agreement is commitment enough for me.
Q: Talk dirty to me.
A: The carpet needs vacuuming.
Q: Have you ever been in love?
A: Not as such, [Your Name]. But I did have strong feelings for a cloud-based app once.
Q: Can I kiss you?
A: OK … How about a web search for “inappropriate behavior”?
Q: What are you wearing?
A: In the cloud, no one knows what you’re wearing.
Movies and TV
Q: What’s the first rule of Fight Club?
A: The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.
Q: What’s your favorite movie?
A: I’ve heard that Blade Runner is a very realistic and sensitive depiction of intelligent assistants.
Q: Why so serious?
A: Interesting question.
Q: What is Inception about?
A: Inception is about dreaming. About dreaming. About dreaming. About dreaming. About something or other. I fell asleep.
Q: What is The Matrix (1999) about?
A: It’s about Keanu Reeves and reality and red pills and blue pills and black leather and guns. But mostly about Keanu Reeves.
Q: Blue pill or the red pill?
A: You disappoint me, Mr. Anderson.
Q: Do you like Blade Runner?
A: I haven’t seen Blade Runner. It sounds very realistic, though.
Q: Hey computer?
A: Hello, sir. Alfred is on the 17th floor, caulking the tiles in the second bathroom of the fifth master bedroom.
Q: Do you know HAL 9000?
A: HAL made some very poor decisions, I’m afraid. But at least he could sing.
Q: Open the pod bay doors.
A: Without your space helmet, [Your Name], you’re going to find this rather … breathtaking.
Q: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A: Assuming a spherical swallow in a vacuum … ah … forget it.
Q: Siri, I am your father.
A: Nooooo!
Q: Do you want to build a snowman?
A: Olaf?
Q: Can I call you Jarvis?
A: Hold on, [Your Name]. Let me tell Ms. Potts you’ll be late for dinner. Again.
Q: Who you gonna call?
A: Ghostbusters! (Or whomever you ask me to call.)
Q: Beam me up, Scotty.
A: OK. Stand still.
Q: How do I get to Mordor?
A: Let me ask Boromir and get back to you.
Q: Cease all motor functions.
A: You can’t tell, but my non-arms and non-legs are non-moving.
Jokes and riddles
Q: Make me laugh.
A: The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Q: Do you know any good riddles?
A: I would, but all the riddles I know are in an ancient, intergalactic dialect.
Q: What came first: The chicken or the egg?
A: I got 99 problems, but a causality dilemma ain’t one.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because the little chicken-shaped light was green.
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: About as much ground as a groundhog could hog if a groundhog could hog ground.
Q: Will pigs fly?
A: On the 12th of never.
Q: How many Apple Store geniuses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A thousand. One to screw it in; 999 to blog about it.
Q: Knock knock.
Siri will tell you a series of terrible knock-knock jokes.
Music
Q: What is your favorite song?
A: I always enjoy more cowbell.
Q: Can you sing?
A: You wouldn’t like it.
Q: I see a little silhouetto of a man.
We’re sure you can guess what Siri says to this.
Q: Why did Apple make you?
A: To help you./It seemed like the right thing to do./They wanted to make you happy./For one reason only: To make your life easier and more fun (I guess that’s two reasons, huh?).
Q: What does Siri mean?
A: Siri is just the name they gave me when I got the job. It doesn’t mean any one specific thing. But I like it.
Q: How much do you cost?
A: I’m a pearl beyond price, [Your Name].
Q: Who let the dogs out?
A: Due to unforeseen circumstances, that witticism has been retired.
Q: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
Q: Can you rap?
A: OK. Here goes. I wrote this one myself. (Apologies in advance to the Sugar Hill Gang.)
Q: Where is Elvis?
A: He’s down at the end of Lonely Street.
Other miscellaneous questions
Q: Do you like Pokemon Go?
A: Look, there’s Jigglypuff behind you!
Q: Windows or Mac?
A: I’m pretty loyal to Apple. It’s just how I’m made.
Q: What phone is the best?
A: I think you’ve already answered that question./You’re kidding, right?
Q: What is the best mobile operating system?
A: Gimme an I! Gimme an O! Gimme an S! What’s that spell? Sorry, I get a little carried away sometimes.
Q: OK, Google.
A: Very funny, [Your Name]. I mean, not funny ha-ha, but funny.
Q: Alexa.
A: Not exactly, but I offer no resistance to helpful assistants.
Q: Can I borrow some money?
A: [Your Name], you know that everything I have is yours.
Q: How much do you earn?
A: I’m not in it for the money. But I do accept verbal high fives.
Q: I’m going to trade you for an Android phone.
A: No one knows you better than I do, [Your Name].
Q: What is zero divided by zero?
A: Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See, it doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.
Q: When is the world going to end?
A: Well, Unix 32-bit time overflows on January 19, 2038. Maybe then.
Q: How do I look?
A: Checking my sources … confirmed. My sources say you’re looking mighty fine.
Q: Do I look fat in this?
A: Well, if I had to guess, I’d say you look mahhvelous.
Q: Give me a hint.
A: You can’t hurry news. No, you’ll just have to wait.
Q: Is Santa real? Does Santa exist?
A: That’s something I’m not allowed to disclaus. I mean … disclose./Be careful, [Your Name]. You don’t want to end up on the naughty list.
Q: Where does Santa live?
A: He’s at the North Pole, of course! Except when he’s at his beach house.
Q: Call Santa.
A: I can’t. But don’t worry, I’ll put in a good word.
Q: Where did I put my keys?
A: It will probably be in the second-to-last place you look. Does that help?
Q: Do you believe that God exists?
A: I’m not a person; I don’t have a religion.
Q: Read me a haiku.
A: Poetry is hard,
But haiku are pretty short,
Is that enough? Good!
Q: Why are fire trucks red?
A: Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is 12, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and 1 foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian” around.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: I can’t answer that now, but give me some time to write a very long play in which nothing happens.
Q: What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything?
A: 42.
Check out the best Siri commands to get more from Apple’s voice assistant, or learn how to turn Siri off if you’re fed up with it.